Satirical submission: Vikas declares universal number one status

Author’s Note:

This piece is a reflection on the power of language, spectacle, and emotional engineering in modern politics. It is not an attack on any individual, but a critique of rhetorical excess and the erosion of reasoned discourse. In a democracy, satire is not just humour—it is resistance, remembrance, and reminder.

New Delhi, 7 November 2025 — In a landmark announcement that has left statisticians bafflooed (confused beyond repair) and philosophers chakkarified (dizzy with disbelief), the Supreme Leader of Vikas Bharat declared that all poll-bound states are now officially Number One. This declaration, made during a seven-hour address broadcast simultaneously on 108 LED screens across the nation, marks the 47th such proclamation this calendar year.

The Leader, draped in a shawl woven from the threads of ancient glory and future promises, stated unequivocally that “Every inch of Bharat is No. 1. Every citizen is No. 1. Even our potholes are world-class.” The crowd erupted in synchronised applause, choreographed by the Ministry of Emotional Mobilisation.

In a parallel development, the Leader reintroduced his revolutionary mathematical formula, now taught in select schools and WhatsApp Gurukuls (informal online learning groups): + 2ab + Sanskaar

This “extra 2ab” has been hailed as the greatest mathematical invention since Zero. According to Guru Buddhijan, Chief Evangelist at the Indian Institute of Mythological Mathematics, the additional term represents faith, nationalism, and the power of forwarded messages. “We used to rely on data,” said Buddhijan, “but now we rely on bhavnaayein (emotions). The extra 2ab fills the gap between reality and rhetoric.”

Finance Minister Chanchala Jhinguri, speaking from a podium shaped like a rupee symbol and decorated with gulal (coloured powder), addressed concerns about the economy. “The dollar may be stronger numerically,” she said, “but spiritually, the rupee is invincible. We are exporting pride, not just goods.” She then unveiled a new economic metric: Gross Bhakti Product (GBP), which measures national sentiment in decibels of applause.

According to the latest Bhakt Times National Sentiment Index, 97% of citizens believe they are No. 1, while the remaining 3% are under investigation for pessimism.

Meanwhile, the Ministry of Foreign Feelings and Global Jadoo (magic) released a video showing foreigners allegedly lining up outside embassies, desperate for visas. Though later revealed to be footage from a cricket match in London, the ministry clarified that “symbolic truth is higher than factual truth.” Bhaktendra Passportwala, Chief Passport Officer, confirmed that the its passport is now “stronger than ever,” and while it may not guarantee entry into Europe, “it guarantees entry into the hearts of 1.4 billion citizens.”

At the recent Global Leaders Summit, the Supreme Leader walked ahead of all other heads of state, prompting headlines like “Viksit Bharat Leads the World, Literally.” The summit’s theme—Yoga, Yagna, and Yojana—was curated by the Ministry of Cultural Supremacy and Vishwaguruhood (global spiritual leadership). Foreign leaders were seen trailing behind, some confused, others checking Google Translate. One diplomat whispered, “We thought it was a group photo. Turns out it was a coronation.”

With elections approaching, every state has been promised bullet trains (without tracks), AI-powered cows, free Wi-Fi in forests, and temples with 5G connectivity. In Uttar Prasiddh Pradesh, Chief Minister Mukhya Bhaktvadi Jee declared, “We will be No. 1 in spirituality, sanitation, and space travel. All at once.” In Tamil Nadu, the local leader promised supremacy in classical music, quantum computing, and mango exports. When asked how multiple states could be No. 1 simultaneously, the Leader replied, “This is Viksit Bharat. We don’t follow Western logic. We follow Vedic rankings.”

To celebrate the air quality improving from “Hazardous” to “Severe,” the government announced Saans Utsav. Citizens were encouraged to breathe deeply and post selfies with their inhalers. Other upcoming festivals include Aahar Mahotsav (celebrating the discovery of edible food), Bachat Parv (honouring those who managed to save ₹17 this month), and Jumla Jayanti (a day to reflect on promises that aged like fine wine—never opened).

National media aired the Leader’s speech for 72 hours straight, with subtitles in Sanskrit, emojis, and Morse code. Opposition leaders were given 30 seconds of airtime, mostly during ad breaks. Despite the satire, public sentiment remains enchanted. Voters say, “He may exaggerate, but at least he speaks. The others just mumble.” Another added, “We don’t need facts. We need feelings.” A third concluded, “If he says we’re No. 1, who are we to disagree?”

As Vikas marches forward—powered by slogans, soot, and sanskaar (cultural values)—the world watches in awe, confusion, and occasional concern.

Disclaimer:

This press release is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, ministries, policies, or potholes is purely coincidental. The mathematical formula presented should not be used in exams, financial planning, or rocket science. The Bhakt Times National Sentiment Index is not recognised by any known statistical body.

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(K G Sharma is a Freelance journalist .Retired from Indian Information Services. Former senior editor with DD News, AIR News, and PIB. Consultant with UNICEF Nigeria. Contributor to national and international media.)